A friend of mine, Cath, this week took possession of most of a cow. One of those, called Sunday, pictured left in fact. This is her account of her offally scary adventure – with pictures. WARNING: DO NOT PROCEED IF SQUEAMISH.
Cath writes: “Last year in a fit of madness my partner decided we were joining the green brigade
Bearing in mind he hates touching, looking at or cooking raw meat he decided we would buy a calf at market.
“One of his workmates is almost totally self-sufficient. He keeps own pigs, hens and ducks and even produces his own honey. He found seven people including us to buy half a cow each which would be reared organically.
So ‘Sunday’ the cow arrived with his three friends and they have been happily grazing on marshland at Southport ever since.
“Until this week that is when poor Sunday was taken off to the abattoir to meet his maker and to be hung for three weeks before going to be butchered.
“That night I received a phone call to ask if I wanted the offal. I would like to admit now for the record that I was showing off when I said ‘yes’.
“I arrived home last night to find a giant white bucket in the kitchen full of cow bits.
“My boyfriend took one look at the remains and made a mad dash for the door insisting he couldn’t even look at it and was going to be sick if he didn’t go out.
“My 13 year old stepson who had initially shown promise by poking the liver with his finger decided it smelt funny and disappeared to play on the computer.
“Which left me all alone staring at a liver, an oxtail and a cow heart.
I was tempted to just throw the lot over the fence to next door’s dog but instead I hauled the liver out of the bucket.
“It was enormous about the size of a dustbin lid and so heavy. I had stupidly expected it to be just a little bigger than perhaps a chicken liver. Never have I been so wrong.
“Determined not to be defeated I laid newspaper on the table and bravely tackled the job.
I am not going to pretend it was a pretty sight as I hacked away with blood everywhere. One of my stepson’s friends who came round took one look me holding a very sharp knife and at the table covered in blood which was also dripping down my arms. He almost threw up on the spot before running out like I was insane.
“Eventually I managed to get rid of all the nasty tubes and other bits and was left with around 12lb of liver. I bagged it up into small portions then I went on liver delivery like some sort of maniac.
“I admit I got a mixed response from family and friends but I managed to get rid of quite a lot.
“And tomorrow I am planning to make my homemade pate.
Eat your heart out Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.”